It's Complicated
by TubaPrincess
Summary: Sam can't stop wondering about when everything became so complicated.


Title: Complicated  
  
Author: plaidtiger  
  
Rating: G  
  
Summary: I think too much. Why does my life have to be so complicated?  
  
Pairing: *smiles* I don't think I need to put that down, it's obvious  
  
Spoilers: I don't know, probably, nothing everybody hasn't already been subjected to though...  
  
Timeline: 7ish I guess, but before Heroes  
  
Disclaimer: They're not mine, some reptilian company owns them.. The song's not mine either, it's by Carolyn Dawn Johnson  
  
Note: I wrote this while I was listening to my teachers lecture.. I needed something to pass the time.. I hope you like it, I would love to read any feedback you send my way!   
  
Why can't I just go back to my junior high and high school days where I told myself that boys were yucky and I could avoid them? It's not that they are bad people, it's just that some of them can be so..*nice*. One of them in particular. At least we can be friends, right? I mean, sometimes I go crazy thinkng about how much I would love to just go up to him, throw my arms around him and kiss him, passionately, confidently. But that will never happen as long as we're working together. So I guess I can settle for just friends, for now. After all, that is what I agreed to, what *we* agreed to. Under normal circumstances, I would be able to handle this, but whenever he walks into the room, he gives me this look, like I'm the only one in the room that he cares to see. My heart soars. I smile freely, quickly, before I catch myself and turn my happiness into an inward smile.   
  
*I'm so scared that the way that I feel   
  
Is written all over my face  
  
When you walk into the room  
  
I wanna find a hiding place*  
  
I often find myself thinking about the time we spent underground melting the ice and how all of the little sayings he has make me laugh inside. He has always amused me, and I have often admired his caring spirit. I don't care that he pretends to be indifferent, I can tell that he truly feels compassion toward others and often wishes to do more than he can. I like knowing what he's about to say, or what he's trying to say. There's a deep connection between us. I like to be near him, to laugh at his sarcasm, to bask in the warmth of his smiles. But no matter how much I think I can control myself around him, my self-control is wearing thin.  
  
*We used to laugh, we used to hug  
  
The way that old friends do  
  
But now a smile and a touch of your hand  
  
Just makes be come unglued*  
  
I long so much to tell you how I truly feel about you, how you brighten up my day whenever you ask me to go fishing with you. I know, and I hope that you know, that I would say yes in an instant. You've more than convinced me to go, but there are the regulations. And I'm sure we would do more than just fish if the two of us were up in good ol' Minnesota by ourselves. As much as I wish there to be no regulations, I know that there is no way we would ever be able to get around them, no matter how much they need the two of us here. I guess there is also something else holding me back from saying yes, and that would be my apprehension, my fear of rejection. I know we have already admitted our feelings to each other, on several occasions I might add. But times change and I know feelings can change. I fear that you no longer feel the same way.   
  
*It's such a contradiction  
  
Do I lie or tell the truth  
  
Is it fact or fiction  
  
Oh the way I feel for you*  
  
Okay, so basically, it's my career or him. And not to sound like a workaholic, but I love my job. I love the people I work with. I can't wait to get my hands on whatever new gadgets the SG teams bring back from their off-world excursions. I know everyone thinks I'm crazy because I love to build things. Heh..that's funny, I'm the builder and Jack's the destroyer. He's so cute when he carries a gun. Whoa!.. *mentally slaps self* Where did that come from?   
  
*It's so complicated  
  
I'm so frustrated*  
  
How much more annoying can this get. Whenever I'm in my lab I have to work extremely hard just to concentrate. I never used to. But then, I never used to feel like this. I don't know when it started, I think thoughts of him just slowly enveloped me, and now there's no way out.  
  
"Carter.." The masculine voice paused, getting my attention. I immediately turned around to face the object of my thoughts and affection. "Were you going to go to the debriefing? I was heading over there and noticed you hadn't left yet."  
  
*I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away  
  
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay*  
  
"Yes, sir. I just needed to finish up with this." I looked to what I had gestured to and realized I wasn't working on anything. I ignored his confused look and stood to leave.  
  
"So, Carter." His voice was hesitant.  
  
"Sir?" I replied, trying to keep my emotions in check, leaving my face void of anything suspect.   
  
"Nevermind. I'm just thinking out loud." His face changed to an expression I could not read and we headed toward the debriefing room.  
  
*Should I say it  
  
Should I tell you how I feel  
  
Oh, I want you to know  
  
But then again I don't  
  
It's so complicated*  
  
We entered the room, taking our seats and waited for the debriefing to begin.General Hammond looked to each of the members of SG-1 and named the planet they were going to be at next. P4X-328. Daniel stood to tell us of the interesting artefacts we were going to find and Jack sighed, rather loudly. Daniel stared at him, clearly annoyed. I surpressed a grin.   
  
"Continuing on.." He turned back to the slide that was being shown on the curtain. Daniel finished up his presentation and Hammond told us to be in the gate room in an hour.  
  
I left for the infirmary to tell Janet to have fun with Cassie over the weekend since I would be gone.   
  
"Missing our girls' weekend are you? Samantha.. I don't know what I'm going to do with you." Janet pretended to chide me.   
  
"I'll see you in a couple days, Janet." I tuned with a smile and left.  
  
Standing in the gate room an hour later we walked through the event horizon on to a planet filled with..  
  
"Trees!" Jack exclaimed. "There's no place like home."  
  
"Yeah, Jack. Well, as much as I would love to talk about the finer points of where we live, right now I'm interested in those artefacts that are supposed to be here."  
  
"Then lead the way, good fellow." He replied, motioning Dr. Jackson forward.  
  
I went with Daniel to examine the findings while the Colonel and Teal'c conducted a search around the perimeter of the excavation site.  
  
"Sam, I'm just wondering."  
  
"Yeah, Daniel? About what?"  
  
"Well," he paused looking down at a translation before continuing, "when am I going to have to stop ignoring the relationship between you and Jack?"  
  
Stunned. The nerve of him. "What are you talking about, Daniel. There's nothing between J-the colonel and me!"  
  
"Yep, whatever you have to tell yourself."  
  
We were silent for a few minutes. He appeared to be immersed in his translation, but I could not get what he said out of my head.   
  
"What would give you that impression? I treat all three of you like family. What would make him any different?"  
  
"It's like this, Sam: He's always talking about you. Maybe not consciously, but he mentions your name in every conversation."  
  
I felt my face begin to get warm. Figures, I was sure I could handle this too.  
  
*Just when I think I'm under control  
  
I think I finally got a grip  
  
Another friend tells me that  
  
My name is always on your lips*  
  
"I'm going to forget you said that, Dan."  
  
I tried to forget, but all I could think of as Daniel was telling me what the inscription said was Jack. Could he really mention my name in conversation? And a lot? I don't get it. I mean, I guess it's possible, but.. no, it couldn't be. I doubt anyone would be able to think of me the way I think of him. I'm just a scientist. I want to feel special, but I'm fine being content, aren't I?  
  
"The sun appears to be setting, campers, so I'm thinking we should find a place to pitch our tents." His voice brought me out of my current state, briefly, and I began to smile. But realizing that Daniel might see, I stopped. Do I really make it that obvious? I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time.   
  
We all headed out and found a nice flat area, full of lush grass and set up camp.   
  
We ate dinner around the campfire that Teal'c had set up, sharing humourous anecdotes about ourselves. Nothing too personal, but it was fun nonetheless. I could have sworn, though, that Jack kept looking at me. It was really weird. Not that I minded, but I never would have thought that he would be looking at me. I could be wrong.  
  
*They say I'm more than just a friend  
  
They say I must be blind  
  
Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me  
  
From the corner of your eye*  
  
I thought we were just friends, and we are. I don't see how there could be anything more between us, despite what Daniel says. There's no way he could really be talking about me when I'm not there. I thought he didn't like scientists anyway. I'm so confused. If he did like me, he should just say something. I hate hanging here, not knowing what's happening. Stress ensues when I don't know what is going on. But what if he did tell me, and we were just friends, would I be disappointed?   
  
*Oh, it's so confusing  
  
Yeah, I wish you'd just confess  
  
But think of what I'd be losing  
  
If your answer wasn't yes*  
  
Sleep overtook me just after my watch, thankfully I was given first. I don't like waking up in the middle of my sleep to take over, I never seem to get much sleep. However, my dreams were filled of "what ifs" and other stress-filled encounters with Jack. Why do I always have to be thinking? I hate it. Why can't I live a normal life for once? But what's normal? I probably wouldn't like normal anyway.  
  
Jack came to wake us up when the sun rose the following morning, and he was being so sweet. Which is different for him. He's never really been a morning person. He made me want to go up and hug him, although I know that would have been a terrible idea. Truly terrible. I probably would have scared him.   
  
*It's so complicated  
  
I'm so frustrated  
  
I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away  
  
I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay*  
  
We packed up camp since we were not going to be staying another night. Daniel and I decided to go back to the findings and do some more investigation of them. We gathered interesting information. Around noon Jack told us we were heading out. Dan and I were about finished anyway, so we didn't object, and I really wanted to go home and take a shower anyway. I needed to talk to Janet anyway, so I was happy to leave.   
  
"So, Carter, any big plans for the next couple of days?" He looked nervous. It made me smile inside.   
  
"Well, sir, I have a great experiment I've been working on.." I knew he wouldn't approve, but it was my fun.  
  
"Carter, where do you live?" He almost looked as if he regretted asking, but he didn't change his mind.  
  
"You know where I live, sir. You've been there before." I looked at him a bit confused.  
  
"That's not what I mean. You know that. You shouldn't make your life at work. Take a break. Live a little."   
  
'Live a little'? Well, I wouldn't 'make my life at work' if I have someone to go home to. But currently, I don't have anyone and I did give my cat to Narim. So I guess in order to have a social life I'd have to make an effort outside of home and work, and I don't see that happening anytime soon. I'm too attatched to what's at work. Besides, if I stay in my lab, everyone always knows where to find me.   
  
I gave him a slight smile, I may have looked sad, to be honest I don't know. I can't always hide my emotions from him. I try, but I know they sometimes seep through my mask. I wish I could have told him my reason. I like "hiding" in my lab.   
  
*Should I say it  
  
Should I tell you how I feel  
  
Oh, I want you to know  
  
But then again I don't  
  
It's so complicated*  
  
We stepped through the gate and arrived home. I claimed the shower first so that I could finish sorting out my thoughts, even though I never stop thinking. I wanted some time to myself before I had to speak with Janet. I let out a sigh as the water began to flow swiftly out.At times this can be so frustrating. I want to have a relationship with someone, and I think I've found the perfect person, but he's the one person I can't have. Why does that happen? I have the worst fortune out of everyone on the planet! But that's the story of my life. And even though my "father" wants me to be happy, I think I will settle for content. If I'm satisfied with my life how it is now, then I don't want to change it. I'm willing to wait. Even if he is a "safe bet". I won't take my chances. I'll go for the one who will be there for me. I don't know how much longer I can wait, but I know I can for a short while longer.  
  
*I hate it  
  
'Cause I've waited  
  
So long for someone like you  
  
Oh, what do I do*  
  
After finishing up in the locker room I headed toward the infirmary. I had made up my mind what to tell Janet if she asked me how it went and it came down to two or three words. I was satisfied and confident.   
  
Janet concluded that I was in perfect health, which I consider great news taking past concerns in to account. And when she asked, I could only respond, "It's complicated." She grinned. I think she understood.   
  
*Why should I say it  
  
Should I tell you how I feel  
  
Oh, I want you to know  
  
But then again I don't  
  
It's so complicated  
  
So complicated  
  
It's so complicated*  
  
~*~*  
  
I hope you liked it. It took me a really long time to finish this, but it's finally done. I'm not continuing it, for I consider this length of a story quite a feat for me. Please review, I worked hard on it.. And.. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, especially in regard to tense.. and whether or not it flowed well.. I'm trying.. :)  
  
*Lots of Love*  
  
plaidtiger 


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